break down, then rise.

How the hell did this happen? Or it didn't quite happen as much as it rather progressed into a new situation. It breaks me down inside, not a day goes by when I don't feel bad about not being able to control it. Because I can't. I have no control whatsoever. I have tried about a thousand and one ways to alter it, to change it, to make it into something it's not, but at the end of the day... it's still the same. It used to be different, oh so very different. But now it's like this and I can't do anything but accept it. It has caused a fight inside of me, between the good and the bad side. When the bad side has caused the slightest bit of damage due to this situation, I cry on the inside (and much too often on the outside), and I kick and scream and hate myself a little bit. Only because I can't control it. I really really can't. I will accept that I can't change how it all ended up, and I will indeed keep this internal war going inside of me until the bad side has surrendered.

I am sorry.